Vote for me! Forget those other stumps. Commies! Reds! Lobotomized chumps! A copse of carbon flatheads! They can't say, "Ain't nobody never cut me down." (mocking voice) "Waahh! Help me!! I need another crown!" Sure, I'm twisted, hollow, partially decomposed. So what? There you have it. That's me, fully disclosed. In life, in elections, I've … Continue reading Stump Speech: Deride and Conquer
Humor
Stationary Stump Speeches
Stump Speech: a speech that is made many times by a politician who is traveling to different places during a campaign for election For the record, Campfire Tales is non-political, and that's not about to change. (No, that's the wrong word. Try again.) For the record, Campfire Tales is non-partisan, and that's not about to … Continue reading Stationary Stump Speeches
Five Stages of National Park Grief
Hello, Campfire Talesmen and Taleswomen! Our last shared post completed a series of five poems depicting the five stages of grief, as represented by National Parks awaiting our return. Yes, they rhyme. Denial = Crater Lake Anger = Lassen Volcanic Bargaining = Joshua Tree Depression = Death Valley Acceptance = Yosemite The final post, Yosemite, … Continue reading Five Stages of National Park Grief
Down in D. Valley
"Thank you for visiting your national park..." (sigh) I'd give you the sales pitch, but honestly, why try? Either, One. My name's embossed on your bucket list, Or, Two. "Over my dead body!" Thus, I'm dismissed. Make no mistake, I love my survivalist crowd. They arrive flushed and nervous; depart tanned and proud. Still, I … Continue reading Down in D. Valley
J. Tree Makes a Plea
"Thank you for visiting your national park," I'll say, If only (sooner than later) you head out our way. You'd rather go to Disneyland? Word. That might be best. Smooth paths. Soothing (artificial) views. Shade. Benches. Rest. What? You're NOT a Make-a-Wish recipient? You hike?! Wanna give my trails a chance and see if you … Continue reading J. Tree Makes a Plea
Palms Up!
Q. Why are palm trees the most carefree trees? A. Because they have fronds in high places.
Camping R.S.V.P. (Really Scared, Visiting Promptly)
A quick note: Thank you for the camping invite. I can't come. Wish I could. (Although, I still might.) I'm not only scared of the COVID bathrooms, Here's my list: Lyme Disease, poisonous mushrooms, Drowning, getting lost, falling over a cliff Or in a campfire while breathing a whiff. Also, bears. Snakes. Bigfoot. Hillbillies. Skunk … Continue reading Camping R.S.V.P. (Really Scared, Visiting Promptly)
S’moredom
Remember how the Smurfs insert the word "Smurf" into everything like, "That's smurf-tastic!" or "You're smurfing!"? Yeah, me neither. However, if you're starting to think Campfire Tales is getting a little "smurfed up" with the s'mores references, all I can say is, "I'm s'more-y." I made this Coca-Cola Cake because the accompanying photo looked delicious, … Continue reading S’moredom
S’more for You & Me
As a child, I would have eagerly pulled the arms off my Stretch Armstrong in exchange for a s'more. (OK, so maybe I pulled his arms off for no reason, and then let him ooze to death into the carpet under my bed -- what's it to you, Judge E. Pants?) As an adult, I … Continue reading S’more for You & Me
Crater, Crater, Now or Later?
“Thank you for visiting your national park.” We’re open! (Except for boat tours on the lake. No Visitor Centers. Plus, we hid the shark.) Oops, did it sound like “full access?” My mistake… “Phased Reopening,” means: No Pinnacles Road Or East Rim Drive. Only guests eat at the Lodge. No Ranger Programs. Some hiking trails … Continue reading Crater, Crater, Now or Later?
