"Are you a sore loser?" "Can't be. I never lose." "You lost the election — " "Wrong. No. Uh-uh. Fake news." "People died. Staff resigned. They muzzled your Twitter. The Senate's rejection — " "Quitter, quitter, quitter." "Last words? Any regrets?" "I scorn what that imputes. Although, on reflection — I'd put down deeper roots." … Continue reading Stump Speech: Exit Interview
Poetry
Starting the New Year Right
Last night they fired the starting gun On the year Twenty-Twenty-One. Now with Twenty-Twenty a ghost, Raise your glass and let’s make a toast! May the year ahead soon restore Things ruined by the year before. May we not need to cry, "Undo!" Again in Twenty-Twenty-Two. ~ Camp Host Chad "Cheers!" "Release the balloons!"
Stump Speech: Giving Shade, Not Throwing It
Vote for me! I'm not old, I'm classic — What? When? Who won? Really, me? Gee whiz. That's, that's, that's... Well, son of a gun. I guess we're done here — Why not? Of course tree will. No shame. "Never take responsibility. Never take blame." Give me money! I'm raising funds before we proceed, Apparently … Continue reading Stump Speech: Giving Shade, Not Throwing It
Stump Speech: Deride and Conquer
Vote for me! Forget those other stumps. Commies! Reds! Lobotomized chumps! A copse of carbon flatheads! They can't say, "Ain't nobody never cut me down." (mocking voice) "Waahh! Help me!! I need another crown!" Sure, I'm twisted, hollow, partially decomposed. So what? There you have it. That's me, fully disclosed. In life, in elections, I've … Continue reading Stump Speech: Deride and Conquer
Stationary Stump Speeches
Stump Speech: a speech that is made many times by a politician who is traveling to different places during a campaign for election For the record, Campfire Tales is non-political, and that's not about to change. (No, that's the wrong word. Try again.) For the record, Campfire Tales is non-partisan, and that's not about to … Continue reading Stationary Stump Speeches
Five Stages of National Park Grief
Hello, Campfire Talesmen and Taleswomen! Our last shared post completed a series of five poems depicting the five stages of grief, as represented by National Parks awaiting our return. Yes, they rhyme. Denial = Crater Lake Anger = Lassen Volcanic Bargaining = Joshua Tree Depression = Death Valley Acceptance = Yosemite The final post, Yosemite, … Continue reading Five Stages of National Park Grief
Yosemite Waits for You
Thank you for visiting your national park, Particularly in times when things look stark. Fires, pandemics, presidents, droughts; all will fade. Do you know what won't? The memories we've made. Imagine a campfire. Picture yourself there. Feel the heat. Smell the smoke. Watch the embers flare. Let go of thoughts that detain you. Consume grief. … Continue reading Yosemite Waits for You
Down in D. Valley
"Thank you for visiting your national park..." (sigh) I'd give you the sales pitch, but honestly, why try? Either, One. My name's embossed on your bucket list, Or, Two. "Over my dead body!" Thus, I'm dismissed. Make no mistake, I love my survivalist crowd. They arrive flushed and nervous; depart tanned and proud. Still, I … Continue reading Down in D. Valley
J. Tree Makes a Plea
"Thank you for visiting your national park," I'll say, If only (sooner than later) you head out our way. You'd rather go to Disneyland? Word. That might be best. Smooth paths. Soothing (artificial) views. Shade. Benches. Rest. What? You're NOT a Make-a-Wish recipient? You hike?! Wanna give my trails a chance and see if you … Continue reading J. Tree Makes a Plea
Camping R.S.V.P. (Really Scared, Visiting Promptly)
A quick note: Thank you for the camping invite. I can't come. Wish I could. (Although, I still might.) I'm not only scared of the COVID bathrooms, Here's my list: Lyme Disease, poisonous mushrooms, Drowning, getting lost, falling over a cliff Or in a campfire while breathing a whiff. Also, bears. Snakes. Bigfoot. Hillbillies. Skunk … Continue reading Camping R.S.V.P. (Really Scared, Visiting Promptly)
